Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Give Me Strength

Over the course of this year I've received many messages, posts and texts about the measure of strength we've exhibited throughout this journey.  Ironically I wake up most days asking the Lord for strength because I don't 'feel' strong.  I have 'hope', and my faith tells me that God is going to see us through this.  It is not of my own will. Some days my will tells me to stay in bed, my will doesn't want to talk, my will struggles with how we are back at this place, but the will of God shows me despite how things appear or feel, we have healing and victory in him.

There are times I'm on edge and could crawl in a corner and cry as the hours go by.  My patience is worn thin and I'm angry because I look at a five year old little girl who's battling a diagnosis that wants to hold on for dear life and destroy hers. I look at how the life of everyone has been largely consumed or affected by rolling with the flow of isolation, hospital appointments and illness.  A lot of the time it doesn't feel like strength, it feels like barely holding on, but in the midst you find there is a greater strength inside to manage and cope.  You do what you have to do and more as needed.  I have a beautiful Warrior Princess that is fighting with grace. I have a valiant little guy who despite his fears will endure for his sister.  We are Mireya's advocates, overseers and caregivers. Yes we're Mommy and Daddy too (and advocate, overseer and caregiver fall under that umbrella), but there are a lot of twists and turns in managing and maximizing the medical care of someone you love.  For over 15 years, I watched my mother as this person in caring for my father, not realizing the fullness of the responsibility, nor the enormous toll it takes.

We've not really been good at asking anyone to do much for us.  It's not pride or beyond our place, we've just always handled what needs to be done by ourselves.  We're so grateful for the outpouring of love and support we've received from so many.  At times it has truly been emotionally overwhelming. I have said it several times throughout this year, I feel that every good thing I've ever done in my life is coming back to me.  It has always been my desire in life to serve, love and be a blessing to others. I believe God is showing his love for us through the hearts and love of people.

Over this last year, I've learned to be present and savor the moments I have with my husband and children.  I don't sweat the small stuff, because dealing with something of this magnitude will quickly help you put things in perspective. I take nothing for granted and when the weight of the situation feels like to much to bear, I fall on my knees and pray.  Prayer changes things. I don't know where I would be without Christ in my life. I don't know how people go through such life altering events without faith.  I truly would have lost my mind by now.  One of the hardest things is watching your child enduring it all and feeling like there is nothing you can do.  I look at my sweet girl and I would trade places with her in a heartbeat.  I continually ask for prayer because there's power in prayer and we are standing on the prayers, thoughts and love of so many.  I find my strength in knowing the day will come where I look back on this year of our lives and thank God for victory and healing for Mireya.

Many days my heart is heavy not only for my child, but for the children of the many families I've come to know and love.  God wired me that way.  It's hard for me to separate myself from the emotion I know is attached with each situation.  Continue to pray for our strength, but know there is nothing super special about #TeamBolton...if you were in the same situation, you would do all that is within your might to hold your head up and face the situation gaining knowledge, strength and power along the way.  There are dark moments, but we can't dwell in that space. It serves no great purpose. Don't get me wrong, there are many nights I've cried and it was so necessary and cleansing for my soul, I know our total happiness and joy will be returned to us.  I know God has something so incredibly great for Mireya and for us.  I also believe that in the midst of all this, he has been pleased that he could trust us to walk this out, as we've held on to his unchanging hand, with faith.  Everything within me knows this will turn out better than alright.  Our faith has increased and our spiritual muscles are growing.

Some days I laugh to keep from crying.  I try to take the higher road and recognize any measure of goodness I can find.  I've always been that type of person, choosing to see and find the good in most any situation.  This last year has allowed me to 'see' things from a grander perspective.  I have a greater appreciation for everthing and everyone in my life.  I do not understand everything, but I don't have to, God knows.  None of this took him by surprise, his word says he will complete this work and until that time, we just count it 'mostly' joy...yes I deviate from the 'all' because it's not 'all' joy, but we find joy in knowing who we serve and his desire for our lives and our family's life.  Never leaving us, never forsaking us and our faith is increased and many around us have made a choice to see and look at things differently.  I don't know any other way to be, but prayerful, hopeful and thankful.  In him I live, move and have my being.  My happiness and satisfaction is not tied up in Aplastic Anemia and all that it has brought into our lives since last year.  My happiness come from waking up everyday alive to face another day not knowing what the day will bring, but knowing whatever it is God is able and he gives me the strength and capacity to face it.

Thank you for your prayers, your messages and encouragement.  It lifts us up.  When we're feeling low, we look around and know it could be worse and we thank God for the 'better' days that are to come.  The battle is not yours, its the Lords and he's got it.  Don't give up, don't give in, because in the end, we win.  Love conquers all and the greatest love and sacrifice of all is God's love for us.  He knows our hearts, our hurts and how much we can bear.  He bore it all and desires for us to have total victory.  We're keeping our eye on the prize and trusting that it won't be long before we taking that victory lap.

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